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Your Guide to the Pros + Cons of Humping Close to Home

Culture

Your Guide to the Pros + Cons of Humping Close to Home

Your Guide to the Pros + Cons of Humping Close to Home

Think globally, bang locally. One Ladyscumbag finds her “type” after 30+ years on the Earth and shares the wisdom with the LSB community

“I don’t really have a type,” I used to say. And a quick glance at my “little black book” would appear to confirm. From the mild-mannered bicycle enthusiast to the bearded academic to the rugby chick to the older, surprisingly well preserved specimen known as “The Drunk Irishman,” history seems to support this notion. However, a more thorough review shows that while size, shape, age, color, gender, income, etc. are all over the map, these individuals are not. That’s right, I DO have a type. It’s called “nearby.”

Is this approach new? Far from it. LSBs – and everyone else, including plants and animals  – have long relied on proximity as a critical factor in mate selection. But today our dating app inboxes are filled with thousands of messages from hundreds of suitors, many pre-screened for compatibility, most within a 20 mile radius and all demanding our precious time and discerning eyes.

Does he have a good job? Is she a looking for a long-term relationship? When a profile includes “profession: pubic servant,” is that a promise, a decent joke, or are they another simpleton with poor proofreading skills?

Why not keep it simple: Are they here RIGHT NOW?

I’m not saying that proximity-based-banging is perfect. It narrows the playing field. It’s not wildly likely to deliver your soul mate. It’s basically shitting where you eat. But if you feel overwhelmed or exhausted by yet another set of choices, want to cut down on your romantic commute time, or are simply ready to embrace the incessant tug of inertia that characterizes the human condition, it might just be for you.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but why look beyond the mini-pool in your front yard?

Aspirational proximity bang archetypes yet to be explored:

  • The Handyman
  • The Dentist
  • The Drug Dealer
  • The Uber Driver
  • …?

Interested in getting off without going far? Need advice for finding wood in your own hood? Tales of getting lucky with the locals? Share in the comments!

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